9/27/14

If

What makes a real man?

If—

If you can keep your head when all about you   
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;   
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   
    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;   
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   
    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
Source: A Choice of Kipling's Verse (1943)

I remember the first time I read this poem and I was struck with the desire to be and do everything like this poem says. So I try constantly and fail constantly. To me this is what it means to be a "Real Man", to keep trying, to never ever give up.

9/21/14

Keep Calm and just Breathe

Summer is drawing to a close and the days of swimming are limited. So lately I've been meditating in the pool. It's really quite good. I float on my back and stare up into the sky. The palm trees sway, the sun warms my face and with my ears below the water all I hear is the gentle clicking of the pool pump running. I'm quite buoyant so floating is easy, but as I focus on deep breathing I've noticed that my body sinks and floats as I breathe. As I inhale a deep breath, I rise out of the water. As I exhale I begin to sink. 
I can't help but to draw similar parallels with my life. Have you ever sighed loudly during conversation to show exasperation? Or even sighed to yourself when you have felt defeated? Are you sinking a little as you do so? 
It's all about meditative breathing people. Long deep slow breaths that will help you focus and rise.

9/9/14

The Blame Game

This is all your fault!

Have you ever been blamed for something? I have been blamed for plenty of things. I have blamed others for plenty of things as well. We live in a culture of blame and shame. The two go hand in hand. Everyday at my work there are systems that fail or problems. Often management requests that an RCA (root cause analysis) be done. We all quickly grab our pitchforks and the witch hunt begins. We are super quick to "throw each other under the bus".I believe this is because of the notion that if someone else is getting blamed then I am safe from judgement. There is an all seeing eye like the eye of Sauron from The Lord of The Rings that scans everyone in the department and we live in fear that the gaze will fall upon us. I have actually heard this exact comparison from my manager as he attempted to motivate me to move quicker so the gaze would not fall upon me. 
Ughh! what the hell!

Today I witnessed several blaming's/shaming's. One of my projects missed a minor deadline today. A simple task was not completed in time. People were freaking out over this inconsequential event. I quickly looked to make sure I had filed a ticket for the task to be completed. To my horror and dismay I had filed the ticket incorrectly. 

I MADE A MISTAKE!

Can you believe it? I for one am shocked! I did not know I was capable of screwing something up! 
I discovered the mistake while I was on the phone with my project manager. Guess what I did? I blamed him for the mistake. Yep I totally did. I told him it was his fault because he had been talking to me when I filed the ticket so he had distracted me causing me to do it wrong. How lame am I? Here is the real shocker though. He humbly took the blame. He simply said yep your right Its my fault. Ill try to not distract you in the future. He then quickly asked what could be done to remedy the situation. I was so stunned that I quickly pulled back my blame. I told him I was just kidding and that it really was my fault. He didn't really care. How awesome is he!

A little while later I received a text message from someone I know. He told me he was frustrated and that he just wanted to "check out of reality". The reason he wanted to check out was because he is having a bad day, things are not going his way, and to top it off his wife is blaming him for the death of their only vehicle. The blame game begins another vicious round. Something bad happens we all quickly look for a reason or a person to blame. When life sucks we want someone to blame. That makes it easier on us to not accept responsibility The truth is simply that sometimes life does suck. Bad things sometimes happen to good people. How you choose to react to the suckage is what separates the men from the boys.

What a waste of energy and time. It happened. learn from it. Mourn the loss if necessary. Move on. Its that simple folks. Easier said then done right? I agree. It takes time, patience and perspective to get over it sometimes. However it can be done.

Blame. there really is no reason for this. I find that I am my hardest critic. I do a better job than anyone can of piling blame guilt and shame on myself. Also it is very bad. It does not help me. It hurts me. Sure I can learn from my mistakes but there is no reason to make myself feel any worse. What would it be like if we all just freely admitted our mistakes and our peers told us that it would be ok and well figure out a way to fix it? It would be Awesome! However I think the real power comes from dropping our own pitchfork and refusing to participate in the blame game. We have the power to choose in every circumstance how we will act. 

We can be a positive force for good

be good :)
 

9/1/14

Steady My Heart

Wish it could be easy
Why is life do messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

Right now I'm laying in bed suffering
My back is killing me. I have thrown out my back several times in my life and right now is one of those times. If you have experienced this before you know exactly how I feel. If you haven't then just imagine labor pain and you might be getting the drift. I of course am a man so I have no idea what I'm talking about. :)

Lately I have been struggling spiritually.
My belief system is shifting. I am being forced to reconsider all I have ever known. Nobody is holding a gun to my head, I am forcing myself. This happens all the time with my work. Technology rapidly changes and new things become possible. Limitations are removed. New possibilities are considered etc. 
with my personal belief system it's quite different. It's NOT exciting. It's incredibly painful. 

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to you
Cause I know that You are

Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
Steady my heart

So just like my aching back I have an aching soul too. It becomes difficult to pray without whining. All day this song has been going through my head. Steady My Heart by Kari Jobe. I discovered this song a couple of years ago and it has often served as a reminder to me of Gods love for me. 
When it's all said and done I know my back will heal and feel fine in just a few days. Life will go on and I will continue to seek answers to the tough questions. In the meantime...

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that you plan

You see it will all be ok in the end. One thing I do know for sure is that God does not want us to get to comfortable. He wants us to keep moving. Which reminds me of another great Christian song.
Dare You To Move by Switchfoot

8/30/14

50 cents of joy

Last night I went on a "hot date" with my wife. We always tell our kids were going on a hot date. :)
We went to the movies. It was fun and entertaining. We especially enjoyed overhearing the tween conversations behind us in the theatre. It was both terrifying and hilarious. 
Movies are expensive. Popcorn is ridiculously expensive. However if your going to buy the LARGE bag for $7 you might as we'll buy the extra LARGE for $7,50. It's a good value because you get a free refill for just 50 cents more. 
We couldn't even finish the bag :(
I know someone who folds up the bag and saves it for the next time they go to the theaters. While I think this is a good idea it strikes me as very impractical. How often do you really go to the movies? Are you gonna put that thing in your glove box all folded up? For a month or so? Weird and kinda gross. 
So last night as we were walking out we ran into some old friends that we haven't seen in years. I gave them the bag and they got to enjoy a free extra LARGE popcorn. 
You should have seen the smiles on their faces at the prospect of free popcorn! 
I was able to spread an awesome amount of joy for just 50 cents! So next time you find yourself deciding between the large and the extra large, consider the potential joy you can spread after the movie and splurge a little :)

8/29/14

The BIG Picture

Its been a rough week...

How often have I heard this statement? - Tons of times
How often have I said it? - Tons of times
Who do I hear it from? - Tons of people

So apparently lots and lots of people have been having a rough week.
Why is this?

Well for me, my week felt really rough because I put in a lot of hours working for "The Man"
On top of the hours I had a confrontation with "The Man"
This is where it gets complicated because I actually feel like I have three bosses. For the sake of keeping it simple "The Man" in this instance is my direct boss.
By the way I loathe my boss. I do everything I can to avoid him. If I walk into the bathroom and he is in there I will try to leave before he sees me and come back later. When I leave work I always have to wait for the elevator, and this is dangerous because he might pass by and see me. So I take the stairs down a level and catch the elevator there. Sneaky and lame. I know.
So this week I had the pleasure of meeting with him one on one for two whole hours. It was excruciating! I don't want to go into all the details. Lets just say that upon leaving the meeting I updated my resume and activated it on several job sites.

So was it a rough week? I suppose this is probably normal for a lot of people. Change the names, the titles the jobs the duties around and its the same.

My wife could probably say the same thing. For instance she walked into her home office one morning and found this.

The shelves jumped off the wall during the night literally! - the real scary part here is that we somehow slept through the noise. 
The point is, she had not one but two major projects handed to her without any prior notice. She had to reschedule and find more time to accommodate this. So she could easily whine and complain about how "The Man" whoever that is in this instance, gave her a bunch of extra work and ruined all her plans. I didn't hear her complain though. All I heard about was how she was able to get rid of a bunch of garbage, and is looking forward to the second project of scanning millions of pictures and moving to a paperless lifestyle to get rid of the clutter. Oh and I owe her some new shelves properly anchored into the studs this time. 

So maybe I need to back down off of my ledge. My resume is updated and that's always good. Maybe there is a better job out there. But chances are that better job will have a similar boss with totally unrealistic expectations that pushes all my buttons for fun and enjoyment. Its not quite time to Drop the mic and walk off the stage people. Its Friday and its a three day weekend. Tuesday will be rough for all of us. 

Have a great weekend everyone, and don't forget to look at the big picture.

8/26/14

Hello World?

Hello world...
"Hello world" is the first thing that is taught in every programming class ever, or at least the ones I have ever taken. Which is not that many because I hate programming. Whenever I see the phrase I think about all those classes and the loathing I had for them while I was in them. I also think about what it means, like a shout out to the world. So here I am giving a shout out to the world on my blog read by nobody but me. So its more like a shout out into a cupped pair of hands, or an underwater gurgle, or maybe a muffled cry.
The point is, that this blog is for reals.
My intention is to keep it real anyway.
To tackle hard questions, and big thoughts.
To invite discussion or not.
So Welcome!